I hate feeling "gloomy". I am not a person that likes to feel this way and really for the most part I am a pretty positive person. I like to think anyway :) When I lost Graycee I thought that would be the lowest of lows but now that I have endured a miscarriage I can say that miscarriage is 10 times harder. I know that sounds bizarre but I am having a harder time with this last baby than I ever did with Graycee. I think in part because I received closer with Graycee. For instance, I was able to hold and love her, take beautiful pictures, and am able to visit her grave in Manhattan whenever I feel like it. I also knew what happened and why it happened. With this baby their is no closer, no answers, nothing. That sucks! I am sad, angry, and scared. I should be having a baby this week and I am devastated that this happened.
At bible study this week I was telling the ladies that I have been wavering with faith b/c of this emotional roller coaster. I know god is with me but I don't understand or frankly like his plan that he has given me. I know I need to release control but how do you do that?
So I am hoping this gloomy cloud will go away and sunshine will soon be here to stay at least for a little while!
Thanks for listening! I feel better!
Note to self: Typing and crying is a release :)
3 months ago