Thursday, March 26, 2009

Gloomy days be gone!

I hate feeling "gloomy". I am not a person that likes to feel this way and really for the most part I am a pretty positive person. I like to think anyway :) When I lost Graycee I thought that would be the lowest of lows but now that I have endured a miscarriage I can say that miscarriage is 10 times harder. I know that sounds bizarre but I am having a harder time with this last baby than I ever did with Graycee. I think in part because I received closer with Graycee. For instance, I was able to hold and love her, take beautiful pictures, and am able to visit her grave in Manhattan whenever I feel like it. I also knew what happened and why it happened. With this baby their is no closer, no answers, nothing. That sucks! I am sad, angry, and scared. I should be having a baby this week and I am devastated that this happened.

At bible study this week I was telling the ladies that I have been wavering with faith b/c of this emotional roller coaster. I know god is with me but I don't understand or frankly like his plan that he has given me. I know I need to release control but how do you do that?

So I am hoping this gloomy cloud will go away and sunshine will soon be here to stay at least for a little while!

Thanks for listening! I feel better!

Note to self: Typing and crying is a release :)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you soooo much big sis!!!! I just want to drive all night to your house and hug you, cry with you and eat lots and lots of chocolate!!!! Made some of Mom's Apple Cake tonight, we could always start with that! I wish that there was something to say to help you get through this tough time.... You might have company tomorrow! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

StephMiner said...

I love you so much, big sister!!!! I wish that there was something that I could do or say to help ease some of your pain. You are the strongest person that I know, and I wish that I could be more like you! I am more than ready to drive all night to get to your house and eat chocolate and cry!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Mom said...

You are in my heart always. Your pain is there also as well as your joys with Owen and Miles and Brian. Grieve through these moments and feel my arms around you. What an amazing woman you have become and I am so very proud of you...as a wife...as a mommy...and as a daughter. The sun will shine in the faces of the boys and chase the gloomy days away until in time they are no more. I love you - mom

Tiffany said...

Courtney-
I watched the video for my Esther study last night & all I could think about was you. I'm going to try to burn it for you...I hope you will find some peace & comfort after watching it. Upping my prayers for you right now - I know it is a very hard thing to approach your due date. Take time for yourself to grieve!!!

Jennifer said...

It has been a while since we have had a chance to chat...know that I am never to busy to listen if you need an ear. In the meantime, I am praying for you! And let me know if you ever need a sitter for some alone time or time with Brian...Caitlyn was just talking about having Owen & Miles over for hotdogs on the back patio again!